


Breaking my own rules

by rattlethosestars



Category: Akatsuki no Yona | Yona of the Dawn
Genre: Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, and kija is a bit obivious, jae-ha is a bit indenial
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:34:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26005018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rattlethosestars/pseuds/rattlethosestars
Summary: "I want to protect you," Kija confesses causally. Without missing one bit, without stuttering, without having second thoughts. Kija is straightforward even at times when he's not supposed to.Jaeha sucks in a breath. His hands suddenly feel tingly."I just thought we feel the same, because you've been carrying so much burden lately, you've been keeping us out of harm's way and doing things on your own to avoid us getting caught up in something dangerous and unnecessary. You've been jumping a lot lately, carrying people after people, even when you don't feel fine, even when you're hot and feverish. You've been fighting at the very front, making sure they go through you first before they get to us. I thought you might have been doing your best to protect us as much as you can. Is that not the case?"
Relationships: Jae-Ha/Kija (Akatsuki no Yona)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 35





	Breaking my own rules

**Author's Note:**

> self-indulgent. i know the fandom is kinda dead but if no one is feeding me then ill feed myself. HAHAHAHAH hope someone else enjoys this too tho! comments are appreciated.

The ground? 

The ground had never satisfied Jaeha. The ground was his shackles. It's the angry and desperate pull at his long green hair. It's his back hitting rocky concrete, a memory of the only person who cared, despite his sneers, despite his resentful gaze, despite his fists always finding a part of Jaeha's body to bruise. The ground was Garou, who looked at him, tearful, regretful, and begging, _take me, don't leave me,_ was the unspoken that Jaeha heard. _See? They can't reach you. No one can catch you now. Jump! Fly wherever you want!_ was the spoken that Jaeha chose to listen to. 

The ground would never be anything more than a painful reminder of what he would leave and fail to save. 

Never would Jaeha leave anyone again, he swore as he jumped to the skies, as he inhaled the clouds, as he embraced the sun. 

And then he landed on the water, among pirates. He lived on a boat. The ocean, his home. 

\---

Never will he leave anyone again? Ha. Liar. 

Although Jaeha doesn't feel heavy and the long hug he shares with the lady pirate doesn't feel like goodbye. 

"See you," Jaeha sighs, as he disengages himself from the comfort of the hug. 

"Don't come back," Gi-gan says, with no real intent other than to have something to say.

Jaeha chuckles and presses a kiss on the old lady's forehead. 

Later as they walk away from Awa, once his home, Kija tells him, "I'll accompany you whenever you want to visit them, Jaeha."

 _Of course you would_ , Jaeha thinks. Responsibility to his brothers and all that. It isn't bad, it just irks Jaeha a little, how someone can be so good, or such a tool. Whatever. 

"Hmm, you say that but I'm gonna have to carry you anyway, Kija-kun," he tries to be playful. 

The Hakuryuu blushes, and Jaeha wonders if that's healthy, to get so red when one has skin that pale. 

"I'm sure your back is comfortable," Kija replies anyway. 

Ah _._

\---

Love, to Jaeha, has always been this distant thing he wouldn't need to worry about until he's on his deathbed or Yona's on hers. 

He once asked Garou, only to recieve a click of a tongue and a jeer about how stupid that was because love wasn't for someone who's shackled down to the ground with no freedom whatsoever. _Dream on kid, that thing isn't for us._

It has always been abstract too, because differentiating all kinds of it from one another, picking on annoying feelings like butterflies on one's stomach and heart skipping a beat, is a pain. It's an inconvenience, a distraction from protecting himself and Yona, and Yoon, and the other three stupid dragons---

Jaeha has never thought of love as wanting to protect. _Perhaps_ , Jaeha takes in the sight of Yoon cooking, all the while scolding Shinah and Zeno for trying to eat raw meat. Jaeha glances at Yona and Hak, shooting arrows at poor innocent trees, or at poor innocent birds. Jaeha looks for the squirrel, perched on top of a bright figure's shoulder. The figure, white from head to toe, white as shining silver, white that's pure, too pure for his own good. The white dragon, Hakuryuu of King Hiryuu. Kija, just… plain old Kija leaning on a tree, peacefully napping, breathing evenly and glowing despite the shadow of a tree casting over him. Pale, beautiful Kija with an elegance that can compare to the brilliance of the princess, of his majesty, Kouka's current king, Soo-won. Of a noble and of a god. 

Jaeha imagines, if something were to happen that could put this man in mortal danger-- or the others for that matter, his found family…

 _Perhaps_ , Jaeha's heart hurts a little. _I've been loving all this time._

 _Kija's still a tool_ , Jaeha insists. Thumping and berating his treacherous heart. 

\---

Jaeha protects, he considers himself good at it. He's been doing it his all life. He's been protecting himself, his freedom, and all the people he's come to consider his family. 

Being protected, however, leaves him breathless. Not the good kind of breathless where you're captivated and stops breathing for a moment, no. It's the type of panic breathless, like a high fever about to break, like a vision of death. That's what it is, it's a vision of death, a reminder of their mortality, not him, just them. 

"I will not apologize," says Kija with a wince from having to talk through his pain. 

"Stop talking, you're not very beautiful right now, Kija-kun."

Jaeha doesn't really know though, he's been avoiding looking at Kija's face since they got back, since Yoon has treated them, has stitched up the nasty vertical slice along Kija's front upper body that's supposed to be on Jaeha. 

"But you're not looking at me and you're mad. I will not apologize for shielding you while you were unguarded and distracted, but I do apologize for getting deeply wounded and causing everyone trouble." 

_Apologize_ , Jaeha thinks. _Apologize for it._

"I'm not asking you to, I'm telling you not to do it again," he says instead. 

"You can't do that." 

_This stubborn brat._ Kija's only 5 years younger than Jaeha though. 

"Look---"

"Jaeha," Kija cuts him off. "Was I wrong to assume you feel the same way? Didn't I tell you that as long as that's the case, I will have your back as we fight?" 

This Kija… that's right, Jaeha has always been captivated by this Kija. This person can make him all kinds of breathless, and right now it's the annoying kind. The one where it feels like his heart has become too big that it takes up even the space for his lungs, leaving him no way to breathe. That's right, it's this kind of Kija that he finds annoying the most. More than scared-of-bug Kija. More than sometimes-pushing-his-beliefs-onto-people Kija. More than will-die-for-you Kija. 

Because when it's this Kija, Jaeha cannot find the argument in him. 

"You do, right?" Kija asks again. 

"I… I do want to protect Yona-chan, and I will, even if it costs me my life. So yes, we feel the same, so if you're going to risk your life for someone, do it for her. Have my back, I will have yours, but don't go dying for me."

Kija frowns, "So we don't?" 

"What?" 

"We don't feel the same?"

"We do! It might be for different reasons but I do want to protect Yona-chan, we feel the same way!" Jaeha is becoming frustrated. 

The White Dragon's frown deepens. 

"I want to protect you," Kija confesses causally. Without missing one bit, without stuttering, without having second thoughts. Kija is straightforward even at times when he's not supposed to. 

Jaeha sucks in a breath. His hands suddenly feel tingly. 

"I just thought we feel the same, because you've been carrying so much burden lately, you've been keeping us out of harm's way and doing things on your own to avoid us getting caught up in something dangerous and unnecessary. You've been jumping a lot lately, carrying people after people, even when you don't feel fine, even when you're hot and feverish. You've been fighting at the very front, making sure they go through you first before they get to us. I thought you might have been doing your best to protect us as much as you can. Is that not the case?"

 _It is_. It's so true it hurts. Jaeha is speechless, and he can't take his eyes off the wounded white-haired man. 

Jaeha can't breathe. 

_I've given you my heart. I lose one of you and it will shatter._

Suddenly, there are arms around him. Suddenly he's warm all over, his head is tucked under Kija's chin.

Jaeha doesn't notice when Kija sits up or when he moves closer. He comes back to his senses only when he's already inside Kija's embrace. 

Kija softly shushes, "I'm sorry for worrying you, let's be careful to avoid those kinds of situations next time."

_I will protect you._

Jaeha may be just as much a tool as Kija. 

\---

A year ago, Kija found him, and smiled at him and took him by his butt stuck in a huge vase, he was excited and dreading at the same time, because he was being carried around by a beautiful man, by his butt (albeit embarrassingly stuck in a huge fase, he could be much more graceful than that). Regardless, he was in a beautiful person's arm ( _again_ , albeit, a rather enormous, pointy and rough dragon arm). Regardless, a beautiful man was interested in him ( _again_ , _sigh,_ albeit, said man was one of the people he's been running away from for the last couple of days). 

He should've known that dark-haired man named Hak is too good to be true. Beautiful men just bring chaos wherever they go. 

Then he met Yona, a red haired kid princess that made his blood boil, that made him hallucinate voices ordering him around, that made his dragon foot burn. He learned then, and then after, that this dragon blood was a stronger force than he expected it to be. 

\---

Hak sits beside Jaeha one night when he's on night watch, "so."

"Yes Hak? Are you here to keep me company this lonely night?" he flirts.

Hak ignores him. 

_Rude. Wonderful._

But then speaks, "So, is the White snake a master of the dragons too? Maybe, a leader?" 

Confused, Jaeha asks, "no, why do you ask that?" 

Hak eyes him warily, and then shrugs. "According to White Snake your feelings for the King, your master, is something close to love. I can't see Shinah's eyes, Zeno looks at everyone the same, and you, you look at everyone the same too except White Snake and the Princess. I figured, White Snake might be something like a leader to the four dragons, since the dragons' blood only has platonic or brotherly feelings for one another right? Maybe somehow he's _different_ ," Hak gives him a pointed look. 

He knows Hak means something, but he decides to ignore it for now, or forever. For the sake of himself and everyone. 

_That's right, different and he's objectively beautiful. I'm just curious._

Jaeha huffs. _Ha_ . _Who am I kidding._

\---

"Do you like Hak?" Kija looks at him, worried. 

_I don't._

"It's okay Jaeha, I'll be here for you, we'll work this out, alright?"

 _How do you mean?_ Jaeha wants to ask, instead--- "sure," is what he says. 

\---

Kija doesn't leave Jaeha's side, aside from when he's forced to by circumstances or Yoon. 

It's a bit funny really, how hard he's trying to ward the thunder beast off whenever he gets a little too close to Jaeha. 

"What have you done to him?" asks Hak, squinting suspiciously at him when Kija is dragged by Yoon to the market. (Yoon is a force to be reckoned with, you can't go against his words.)

_("Why me?" Kija asks_

_"Why you?!" Yoon exclaims._

_Kija looks to Hak, and then Jaeha, and then back, "Can't we take Jaeha?"_

_"Oh my god, No! You and your monster arm are plenty suspicious already! Let's just go, why are you being like this?"_

_"But--"_

_"No!"_

_Kija pouts and blanches, "it's a sacred dragon arm, stupid Yoon!"_

_It's a little hard to say who's older between the two.)_

"I did not do anything?" Jaeha feigns confusion and innocence. 

"He won't let me near you."

"So you want to be near me," Jaeha says, suggestive. 

"I want to strangle you," Hak throws him a glare. 

Jaeha gasps, "you wouldn't!" 

"I would." 

Jaeha takes Hak's hands to his neck. "Please," he pleads while giving Hak a lascivious look. 

Hak complies, lifting Jaeha up by the neck and squeezes, tighter, and then even tighter.

"H-hak, I'm joking," he groans. 

Hak lets him down and releases his old on Jaeha's _delicate_ neck. 

"That was hot," Jaeha says between coughs.

"So what did you tell him?" Hak doesn't beat around the bush. 

Jaeha goes back to his forgotten task. He continues to hang Shinah's and some of Zeno's spare clothes. 

He takes his time before giving Hak an answer, "I told him you keep flirting with me despite the princess having confessed her love to you. Knowing Kija, he's probably planning your death already." 

Kija won't, he's too soft for that. 

The thunder beast hits the back of his head without holding back that sends Jaeha almost kissing the ground, "Asshole." 

"Ouch!" Jaeha, brings his hand up to his nape. "You know for someone who keeps running away from my advances, you sure love giving me what I want, your rough love." 

Hak makes a disgusted noise, then hums after a while. 

"Will he avoid you though, if you confess? Given he's trying to separate us, you see."

Kija probably won't, it's not like him. Well, it's not like he'll ever tell him how he feels. It's also not like he feels something exactly. Hak is just an assuming idiot.

"Confess to him my love for you?" 

"I hope you die in a ditch," Hak leaves. 

When Yoon and Kija come back, his eyes find Jaeha and Hak sitting side by side by the fire they made for Yoon to cook lunch with. 

Kija hurries to them and breaks them apart by wriggling in the small space between Hak and Jaeha on the log. He settles between the two large guys with his own large stature trying to look as casual as possible, eyes ahead and as straight a face as he can manage. 

Jeaha can feel eyes on them, everyone kind of just freezes on their spots. 

Hak takes it upon himself to break the awkward silence, "you know, I don't like Droopy Eyes, White Snake." 

Kija stares up at Hak going cross eyed in their proximity, and then turns to Jaeha, paling, then turns back to Hak again, realizing. There's a suspended silence, all of them not knowing how to react. Then, Kija bursts into tears and sends Hak flying when he pushes him away with his dragon arm. 

"Hak's still unconscious. He sprained an arm, but nothing more," Jaeha informs Kija later.

Kija sighs in relief. He brings his knees up his chest, puts his arms around his legs and hides his face between his knees and chest. 

They are deep into the forest, but not far from their camp. It's evening and the sun has sunken down, and it's hard to see among the crowd of trees. 

"Kija," Jaeha starts, walking closer towards the other man. 

"I'm sorry Jaeha," he mumbles, a bit muffled. It sounds like he's speaking through a pout. 

_Oh my god, that's cute._

"I didn't mean to, I---" a sniff. "I just got emotional and scared that he's going to say more and you're gonna get hurt." 

_Oh Kija_. 

Jaeha crouches down in front of the white dragon. They are less than a feet away. 

"I'm not gonna get hurt," Jaeha tells him. 

Kija lifts his head, his eyes are moist, and he looks confused. "But you like him?"

"I don't, who even told you that?" 

"I--," Kija looks down again, "because you keep talking about him, and reacting to his beatings. I thought it's a thing you like, and only when it's Hak, but Hak's in love with the princess and the princess loves him back, and I don't want you hurt. So I just thought that maybe I could help by putting a space between you and Hak as much as I can. Oh my god I'm so sorry Jaeha, I caused you trouble again and Yoon and everyone else, Hak will be ma--" 

Jaeha cuts off Kija's rambling with a loud sigh, "look, it's fine. I enjoyed you clinging to me anyway. And Hak deserved that, he strangled me to death earlier."

"But you like that, don't you? Getting hurt? Do you want me to slap you?" Kija innocently brings up his enlarged right arm. 

"Wha--- no!" Jaeha stands up. He holds out his hand, and wiggles it in Kija's face, "come on, give that holy sacred whatever dragon hand of yours here, Kija dear."

The holy sacred whatever dragon right hand of Kija's, eases into its relaxed size, then it reaches for Jaeha's held out hand. 

Jaeha pulls the Hakuryuu up, intending to let go of the his hand after he fully stands up. But before Jaeha could, Kija squeezes and holds on. 

Something bittersweet and painful bordering pleasure curls inside Jaeha's chest. He gulps, swallowing down whatever feelings are clawing up his throat, forming an annoying bile in it.

Jaeha gave the other's hand a tug, "Let's go home and apologize, we both did Hak wrong, afterall." 

They walk hand in hand, significantly slower than normal but no one mentions it. No one really wants to break whatever moment they were having. 

Nearing the camp, both of them give one last squeeze before releasing each other's hands. 

Yoon, Yona and Zeno come running towards them. Yoon to reprimand, Yona to check on their well being and Zeno, to check for meat.

\---

Some time when they were still in their early stages of their journey and friendships, a love potion was given to Yoon by a member of a Hakuryuu clan. 

Jaeha, by generously offering himself as a test subject and licking a bit has fallen into its effects and… and, well, he may have found his heart stirred up by a certain white dragon. 

It was all good though, since he was under the influence of a drug. 

It was all good, it was all goo---

_It wasn't._

Because a year later, Yoon is once again in possession of such a dangerous thing. But that's not the point, that's really not what's dangerous. His object of fear is Yoon's notes and his deductions. Jaeha's object of fear is Yoon himself. 

"So if it doesn't make you fall in love then, what does it do? Have we been scammed?" Kija asks, bent down looking at _his_ pink scale from over a sitting Yoon's shoulder. Beside Yoon is the princess, petting Shinah's squirrel, Hak half a foot away from their little circle seeking shade from a tree and picking his ears (Jaeha's pretty sure he saw him pick his nose too while Yonas back is turned to him), Shinah and Zeno… somewhere else and Jaeha? Jaeha's in front of Yoon, sweating profusely as he watches Yoon think, gears clamping on each other and rotating in rythmic patterns. 

He's trying to make eye contact for a while now, but Yoon's very deep in thought. When he's like this, nothing can distract him and by the time he figures something out, he will be vomiting information without a care in the world, without even a pause. And Jaeha will be doomed. 

He hears Hak chuckle and when Jaeha turns to him, the thunder beast is grinning at him knowingly. 

The thing is, Jaeha's pretty sure he's not the only one who's figured it out right after the day it happened. It's just, the people who noticed don't really care. The people being: Hak, Zeno and himself. 

"Ah!" Yoon exclaims, a brain blast. 

"Ah!" Jaeha exclaims almost at the same time, a diversion. 

It's too late to distract everyone, but it's not too late to distract one person. 

"Ah! Shinah and Zeno are being attacked by bugs!" He screams and points to a random direction. 

Kija perks up, snapping his head to the direction Jaeha is pointing and running at full speed towards it, eyes snapping into that fiery determination. The one that makes him look quite like a royal.

A beat. 

Then Hak yawns, Pukyuu is gone, and Yona is frozen on her spot and just about to regain herself. 

"Are they really?" she worries. 

As if another wave of realization hit Yoon like a whiplash, he stands up and shouts and points, all at Jaeha, "Oh my god! Ooooh my goooood!" 

Hak laughs, hard, breathy, and loud. 

The princess is confused.

Jaeha is gonna die. 

And Yoon, "You---! It all makes sense now, all the eyeing! All the touching! Hak! Everything, oh my god Jaeha!"

Yoon will own him forever, Jaeha will be a 15 year-old boy's lackey for the rest of his life. Not that he hasn't already been since day one.

"What's happening?!" Yona asks, alarmed, when Jeaha bows low enough for his forehead to touch the ground. 

Hak is still laughing, without sound now. Hopefully dying. 

"Please don't tell him," Jaeha begs. "Please don't tell him, please don't tell him, please don't tell him, please don't tell him."

He repeats it, again and again, until Yoon forces him to stop. 

"Are you okay Jaeha, you look pale," Yona notices, after the commotion. 

Hak is lying on the ground, lifeless after Jaeha kicks him in the stomach, and Yona ignores him because he's being rude. 

"I'm okay, Yona-chan," he reassures. Is he though, he doesn't know anymore. 

"So would you explain to me what just happened?" she looks at Yoon, expectantly. 

Yoon looks around, and then asks permission from Jaeha. It's Yona-chan so who is he to keep it from her? So he nods, if a bit weakly. 

"The Hakuryuu scale can't be a love potion," he starts, which only gets a confused tilt of head from Yona. 

Yoon continues, "well, technically in some cases it still is. Although, rather than making the drinker fall in love with the person they first see, it loosens their guard and forces them to open up about an already existing feelings for the said first person they see. At first I thought it really was the former, given how Jaeha and Kija reacted after taking them, but it did not explain Shinah's behavior. He drank a lot but only followed Jaeha around and wanted to be friends.

The latest Hakuryuu scale also comes with a new review that claimed it was a scam and that the girl he liked did not fall in love with him but instead became extremely cold and sometimes hostile to him, so…" Yoon trails off, he can explain everything else, but Yoon is considerate enough to let it hang there so the princess can process it herself. 

The princess is looking down, frowning, thinking. 

It was subtle, the change in her expression when she realizes. 

"Oh Jaeha," she says softly. 

"Aren't you gonna ask about how Kija acted towards you though?" he tries to veer the topic off him, but it only makes Yona even sadder for him. 

Jaeha doesn't hate pity, although he can't say he likes it either. 

"Kija's no surprise, he's very obvious. You are too by the way, just not as much," offers a revived Hak, an unwelcome offer by the way. 

"He is?" the princess asks, turning to Hak. 

"Yeah, but you're kind of as dense as Kija, so it's understandable, princess."

"Hak!" 

Hak goes back to lying down and pretending dead. 

Yoon, having moved on, tucks the Hakuryuu scale back to his purse and proceeds to do his chores as usual. 

Yona however, is still looking at Jaeha with worried eyes. 

"I'm fine Yona-chan, it isn't that bad," he promises. 

Yona shakes her head, "what are you going to do?" 

Is there anything to do? He's fine isn't he, they're fine. Kija and Jaeha are close enough, they fight back to back, they confide in each other, they protect each other. He gets to protect Kija, and while that means he lets Kija protect him as well and while that means Kija's life is always in danger, it's fine isn't it? That's what they do, all of them.

It stings a little, but it'll sting even nastier when he dumps all his feelings for Kija, and then the other guy decides to put distance between them. 

It'll sting even nastier if the day comes when one of them has to go, naturally or for Yona, and the world collapses on the one who's left behind. 

Jaeha can only give so much of his heart, so much of his trust to a person that can crush it with one word, with one life. Likewise, Jaeha can only hold so much of another's heart, of another's life in his hands. 

Call it cowardice, but Jaeha will do everything to protect both of them. Even if it means feeling scared of rejection, or of acceptance and possibly soon, death of the other, of losing so much just after you've attained everything. He will protect Kija, himself and everyone even if it means embracing fear. 

Yeah, so what is Jaeha going to do? "Nothing, there's nothing to do."

Soon, Kija, Shinah and Zeno come back, all scratched up and dirtied and dragging two huge dead bears. 

"Jaeha! Shinah wasn't attacked by bugs! Shinah attacked the bears!" Kija yells, excited.

Later, during their feast on bear meat, Jaeha asks Shinah, "did you really?" He gestures to the food, "attack these guys?"

Shinah shakes his head, "they attacked me, Hakuryuu attacked them."

\---

  
  
  



End file.
